Not surprisingly, there is a school of you out there who believe that Christmas is really about gifts. Your ring leader is my three year-old daughter. [Note: I'm really surprised you guys elected her for a second term, after last year's chocolate milk on the teddy bear fiasco.]

I can appreciate the importance of gifts, and I take no issue with the exchange, its central role in the Christmas season, etc. What I will not tolerate for another season, though, is the “Look at what clothes I got for Christmas” day. This is the day that occurs on the first working day following the Christmas holiday, and I’m officially a non-participant.

It’s no secret that if you ask me what I want for Christmas, I’m likely to say “socks,” or “cargo pants,” or “polo shirts.” If people are lining up to buy me things, then why not have them buy me things that I need? This proves effective 99% of the time, and the drive home from my parents’ house is usually executed in a car with seventeen blind spots – one for each angle of my mirror that’s blocked by gifts.

But wearing your brand new gifts to work/school/bar on the first day after the holiday is simply tacky. It’s unacceptable. Nothing says “look at how great my family is, unlike yours” better than a brand new pair of jeans.

“Wow, I like those jeans…are they new?”
“Yep. Do you like them?”
“They’re great.”
“Speaking of which – where did you get those cuff links?”
“Ah, Christmas gifts.”
“Ha! My jeans, too!”
“Ohhh, ho ho!”

Think of the patriotism you could show by boycotting “Look at what clothes I got for Christmas” day, and working instead of discussing your new rags.

Join me, brothers and sisters, in keeping your new Christmas clothes in the closet until – that’s right – two days after Christmas. It’s time for a change.

1. The “window shuffle.” This is a situation that simply can’t be avoided, and is easily demonstrated. The next time you’re on an airplane, and in a seat other than the window seat, sit forward just a little in your seat and look out the window. While this phenomenon works especially well when you’re in the middle seat (or immediately adjacent to the window seat), it’s effective on the aisle side, too. Now that you’re looking out the window, watch the person sitting in the window seat. Watch for them to make eye contact with you, wondering if they’re looking at them…then watch them turn and look out the window, just like you. Having someone staring directly past your face is not only uncomfortable, it’s just plain impossible to tolerate…apparently.
2. The “We’re at the gate, now stand up” game. This one doesn’t take anything from you to simulate. Just ride the plane, and pay attention once the plane is at the gate. As soon as the plane stops, and the seatbelt light comes off, heads up: 60% of the plane’s occupants will unbuckle immediately, and stand up. There’s another three or four minutes before the doors will be open, and they know it…but that’s not going to stop them. What’s even better? Half of those 60% are actually stooped over uncomfortably because they’re not in an aisle seat…
3. The “five-pound bag” game.” Somewhere deep in my psyche there lied an assumption about carry-on baggage. I always assumed that the dimensions of your standard overhead compartment were published, standardized and well-known within the “luggage industry.” [Note: I can't attest to there actually being an industry here, as opposed to a random collection of companies who make bags.] You can see that assumption of mine proven wrong, in real-time, every time you’re on a plane. Try and get on the plane early so that you can watch the rest of the passengers stroll aboard with their “carry-on luggage.” Take note of the number of bags that are lifted into the overhead with the wheels facing the aisle, then immediately rotated 90 degrees because the bag is too long/tall to allow the compartment door to close. What remains is absolutely hysterical: a bag taking up half of the width of an overhead space, while allowing about 5″ of space in front for someone to use. That remaining space works really medium-weight winter coats; I’d encourage you to bring one and test my theory here…I know I’m right. You can squeeze at least one jacket in the remaining space.

Click through for more…



4. The “seat swap swing.” On a plane that’s not overbooked, you have a prime opportunity to see the “seat swap swing” in action. All it takes here is for one person to attempt to grab an empty seat – other than their assigned seat – as a quick improvement…before the doors shut. That’s right, trying to grab an empty exit row seat before the doors shut is one of the quickest ways to create an uncomfortable environment; the person who owns that seat is boarding late, and will spend a few seconds questioning themselves (self-esteem issues), will then look at their ticket, the seat numbers, back again, to the thief, at the ticket, and back up before saying something like “Uhhh, is this seat 11C?” Awkward.
5. “The peep show.” Though I can’t attest to ever having actually seen this maneuver executed, it’s sure to draw some excitement. Arguably, it’s the simplest move to master: simply load up some porn on your iPhone, plug in your headphones, and jump into the plot. It’s unclear what the flight attendants will say or do in a situation like that, but you can bet that they’ll be involved once the mother of the 14 year-old girl in the seat next to you sees what you’re watching. Typically, only movies with more than two x’s in its title will qualify.
6. The “worker bee.” Even simpler to observe than the peep show, the “worker bee” happens on every flight, in every country in the world – guaranteed. Watch for someone who pulls out their laptop and boots it. Presumably they’ve got some work to do, or they’re going to watch a movie. If it’s a movie that they watch, there’s no “worker bee” there. However, if they spend some time opening the start menu, browsing random file folders, or (and this is the perfect execution) playing Solitaire, you’ve got a “worker bee.” The simple fact is that they don’t know what to do with their laptop, but they’ve got one, and they’re going to let you know. If only their company realized that they’d dropped $1799 on a very nice card table…

She asked where I got the quote:

Just curious–where did you get the quote from Winston in Long Beach, CA?

So I answered honestly:

Winston is a guy who lives in apartment 2C, in that complex about two nanoblocks west of my cerebral cortex. He really wants to participate in your site, but if you don’t like his quote, he can leave.

Let’s see if he’s still around tomorrow.

Technorati Tags: site design, website, funny

Interesting note: the article was published on September 11, 2001. *shudder*

The Athletic Enterprise

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in Qualcomm Stadium (formerly the glorious Jack Murphy Stadium) enjoying a terrific pre-season football match-up between my beloved Chargers and the Niners. Things couldn’t have been any better, really. It was a beautiful day, my chest paint hadn’t really started smearing yet, my ballpark frank had just the right amount of relish, and the Chargers were winning. Smiling to myself, I reached for my beverage. Just as I felt the pleasant coolness of my plastic cup, the familiar sound of a whining voice passed right through the cheering of my buddies: “I can’t believe those meatheads make that much money. I could do what they do. It’s not THAT hard.” A firm believer in the theory that ignorance is America’s biggest opponent, I immediately became sickened by this lady’s opinion, and fearful for our country’s future all at once. How could she do this? Why did she have to ruin the rest of the game for me? Why do my buddies insist on rubbing my hair every time the Chargers connect for a gain? Am I the only one that gets it? Does anybody else see that professional sports represent the epitome of capitalism? Probably not. Which is why I feel it’s my moral responsibility to share this nugget of truth with the sports-crazed student body of M.I.T.

As we begin, let’s take a small quiz in the spirit of higher education.
   
Which of the following statements is said most often in America today?
A.    “Bill Gates makes way too much money.”
B.    “Successful lawyers make way too much money.”
C.    “Musicians make way too much money.”
D.    “Professional athletes make way too much money.”

Clearly, the answer is D. There is no profession in America as publicly scrutinized for compensation irregularities as that of professional athletics. Yet, is a professional athlete really ANY different from Bill Gates or Johnny Cochran? Sure, Bill Gates runs a software giant, and Cochran keeps killers out of jail, while athletes score touchdowns, hit homeruns, shoot hat tricks, or nail three-pointers. But specifics notwithstanding, there is no fundamental difference in the reason these people make so much money: they are all very good at what they do. But athletes’ salaries are consistently questioned because we, the members of society, are collectively jealous of a situation that we continue to support.

One of my favorite arguments from sports opponents is, “Athletes don’t do anything productive for society. Doctors, teachers, nurses, policemen – they should be making millions, not athletes.” Though I happen to agree with the notion that each of the aforementioned professionals may be underpaid, the argument does not checkout as valid. Personal opinion or implicit value really don’t mean a thing in a capitalistic environment. Let’s compare, for one second, water and Beanie Babies. We absolutely cannot survive without water; it is essential to human life (most life for that matter). On the other hand, we have Beanie Babies. Though many may argue that life cannot go on without them, I can assure you that one CAN survive without Beanie Babies. So, why is a gallon of water so much cheaper than a Beanie Baby? Because the implicit value of a commodity, or service, has no relevance in our economy; how much of that product or service we demand dictates it all.

This may come as a shock to many, but the United States of America – the wonderful nation of freedom and hope, the light on the hill, the place where dreams are made – is a capitalistic country! Supply and demand inherently regulate cost and availability of nearly everything in our society (economists, please cut me slack – I know there’s much more to it). Thus, when all of us baseball fans trot down to Fenway Park, purchase tickets, buy jerseys, eat ballpark franks, and chant, “Yankees Suck,” we’re demanding all-star baseball players! Believe it or not, every time you tune your television set into a game at home, you’re contributing to that market as well (the Yankees received an estimated $52.5 million for local broadcast rights in 1997). “But, there are thousands of professional athletes in the world. Why do we have to pay so much for a few?” I don’t know how to say this any other way, but teams aren’t in the league to lose. You want them to win, you pay money for them to win, and they shill it out so that you keep coming back. It’s business! Similarly, athletes haven’t spent their entire lives perfecting their athletic prowess so that people can pat them on the back and say, “Great job, pal. You were super tonight.” When the day’s over, just like anyone else, they want to take a paycheck home. It just so happens that, if they’re that good, their paycheck is a lot bigger than yours or mine.

Perhaps the most amusing of all the arguments against professional athletics is, “How can we pay these athletes millions of dollars a year, when this country has people on welfare?” You’ve used a key word: ‘we.’ I don’t know how ‘we’ can continue to do it. But I’ll tell you one thing for sure, ‘we’ aren’t going to stop paying them so much money unless ‘we’ stop watching their games on television, being patrons at their games, buying their hats, their jerseys, etc. What about this? “How can we pay these farmhands hundreds of dollars a year, when this country has people on welfare?” I haven’t heard that question in a while.

In closing, I’d like to ask one last question of our academic community. If we detract from the success of some, in order to compensate for the lack of success of others, what kind of economic system would we have then? If the government controls professional sports, instead of the consumer, and disperses the money where it sees fit, are we capitalist? No. Such a notion is the first step toward communism and socialism. But, in the spirit of such a thought, I’ve got an idea. How about we completely take control of Major League Baseball. Since some players are worth hundreds of millions, let’s take them out of the picture, and replace each one with the equivalent number of workers at minimum wage. Now that we have those people off of welfare, we can put them to work making baskets or something useful in the stadiums during game time. Of course, people will continue to pay for tickets, and will undoubtedly watch it on television – after all, we’re paying money to support the less fortunate. If it goes really well, we can even have new jerseys made with the names of the most productive basket weavers (so long as they don’t get a pay raise for their productivity)! I just hope Sports Center will continue to cover the MLB.

technorati tags:mit, thetech, sports, salaries, athletes, pay, politics

Nancy Pelosi finds the use of dangling participles acceptable, and that’s unacceptable.

Pelosi, at a news conference in San Francisco, said Cheney’s criticism of Democrats was “beneath the dignity of the debate we’re engaged in and a disservice to our men and women in uniform, whom we all support.”

Can you spot the participle, and why it’s dangling?

Hey Nancy, you’re awesome!

technorati tags:pelosi, participle, politics, congress

I’ve been talking about starting up a podcast for far too long…and the time has come to make good on that promise.

So, it’s with great fanfare that I announce our new podcast: Turnip Soup. Turnip Soup is a weekly podcast where my buddies and I will talk about the sorts of things that show up here on Turnipville (and occasionally something you might find at Martini Geek). In other words, we’re going to put our usual hilarious spin on odd news stories, sports, tech, and whatever else might pop up during the show.

We’ve set up a command center, of sorts, over at Turnip Network. There, you’ll find subscription links for all of your favorite podcatchers, including iTunes and Odeo.

We’ve also thrown some flash-based players in the mix so that you can listen to the latest show without having to download anything.

For your convenience, here are some quick links to get you into the fray.

technorati tags:podcast, turnipsoup, turnipnetwork

So I stumbled upon an interesting little tidbit over at snopes.com; there is a town in Austria called “Fucking.”

Evidently, their town signs are being ripped off left and right. It follows, I suppose, that people would want these signs. After all, having a huge sign in your house that says “Fucking” is probably a guy’s single greatest ticket to fame. But the one featured here is perhaps the most amusing, as the phrase below it (in German) reads “Please – not so fast!”

Given my heavy heart over this afternoon’s Chargers’ loss, I’m feeling particularly justified in stumbling around the net…and sharing my findings with you.

For those of you who are firing up your email client to send me hate mail for putting this word front and center on Turnipville, remember: I didn’t name the city. I’m just a bloggist.

technorati tags:austria, city, fucking, amusing

Here’s some obnoxious phone video for your enjoyment.

technorati tags:magicmountain, rollercoaster, goldrusher

This series of commercials with classic coach press conferences is absolutely awesome. Even the Vermeil, and Walsh versions are priceless.

Have a gander.

technorati tags:jimmora, coorslight, commercial

Have a listen to the brilliant Thanksgiving morning message I received from Eric.

[audio:ericsthanksgivingvmail.mp3]